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But... That would be well over total number.”“You didn't back check all those requests little man!” Santa now screaming. “Do you know how many sets of twins I ran into? Do you have any idea how many girls wanted to go around-the-world with Santa? Not to mention the 27 all girl dormitories where you scheduled stops. Then the most surprising of all, was the eleven retirement homes!”All the elves just stood in silence.Using air-quotes, “There were all kinds of “Girls” waiting on me! Love sick teenagers, neglected house wives, widows, retirees, librarians, school teachers, executives, elected officials, fitness trainers, and, I might also add, there were 23 Dominatrix's! I even stopped at a couple of places that were having a swinger's Christmas party!”The programming elf is now more frightened by every detail Santa relates to him.“I have had sex in every imaginable position tonight!” Then, counting down on his fingers, “Missionary! Doggy Style! Cowgirl! And, a few I had never. Abraham Lincoln vs. John Wilkes Booth. Bang! Bang!" Write me a script, man. I'd totally do that." I will."We were done in that first store. We walked out without buying anything."So did you eventually go back and finish school?" Nope. I tried to enroll the next September, but the principal basically laughed at me and told me to go back to whatever junk yard I'd crawled out of. I was stunned of course, and pretty intimidated, but as I looked around at the dead-eyed morons who would be my classmates, I realized I was way more advanced than any one of them. I had a life already. I had bills. I had keys to my own place in my pocket while they were all still sucking their mommies' teats. The kicker was, there was this teacher creating a poster on the hallway floor. I glanced at it as I walked by and told her Thomas Jefferson wasn't president until 1801. He was vice president in 1796. This old bitch's jaw just dropped and she made some excuse about him being president either way. I just.
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